if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
