I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
