You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
