I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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