I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
