Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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