youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
