Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize