I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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