Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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