the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Randomize
