we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
