I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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