What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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