So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
