dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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