Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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