why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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