the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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