I'd wear matching sweaters with you
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize