i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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