I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
