If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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