My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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