i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
