Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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