you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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