There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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