I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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