im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
try to milk me bitch
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