DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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