he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
