Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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