happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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