I need help removing her.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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