I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
