There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
