did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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