I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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