im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
