theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
