we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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