If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
