I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
