Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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