Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
