all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish you could order shots online.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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