I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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