You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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