C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
