Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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