well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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