allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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