Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
