Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
