my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
