Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
